Chapter 325: If Only I Could (11)
I drew three pictures.
On one, a thoughtless doodle. On another, the faces I wanted to see. And on the last….
“…Is it really all right for me to do this?”
Scratch, scratch, scratch. I drew line after line across a landscape that refused to take the shape I wanted. I wanted to rest properly as the Archmage had told me, yet for some reason, I could not concentrate.
“Hmm.”
My body, which had leaned forward to draw, now slanted in the opposite direction until I was lying down.
Sink. The expensive felt sofa firmly supported my body. It felt oddly uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time.
“…Should I read a book instead?”
After remaining like that for a long while, I staggered back up and looked for something other than drawing. The room’s owner had left books behind, so there was no need to summon anyone.
After confirming that one was a book on swordsmanship, I idly flipped through the pages. It was not bad, but my thoughts wandered halfway through, just as they had while I drew.
After rummaging through every book in the room, I gave up on reading too. Swordsmanship manuals, noble genealogies, fairy tales—there was not a single one in which I could immerse myself.
“…This is strange.”
Instead, the thought, Is it really all right to spend my time this way? kept striking my mind.
There was no anxiety that I might be discovered, none of the impatience caused by the time limit on my disguise skill, and none of the nervous tension that seized me whenever priests passed nearby. That made it feel all the more unsettling.
This complete peace, given to me almost for the first time, was too unfamiliar and strange. I could not adjust to it.
“Is this truly all right…?”
More than that, there were too many screams and sobs coming from outside for me to avoid hearing them.
The disparity upset me even more. I was here in such a peaceful world, while beyond these walls lay all the shrieks and grief the Great Demon had left behind.
Ring.
In the end, after hesitating, I shook the bell. No one should have been waiting directly outside, yet a knock soon sounded against the door.
“Did you require something?”
“…I have something to tell your master.”
The Archmage had told me to rest, but I simply could not. Why did helping others necessarily have to mean wearing myself away? Ignoring those sounds would be the thing that truly made me lose myself.
“So if it is possible to meet now… could I ask you to guide me?”
“…Please wait for a short while. I will ask the Young Lord.”
Of course, after the Archmage had gone so far as to say all that, I would not help excessively. I remained there, wondering what small task I might perform.
[You damn pushover…]
‘Yeah, you idiot.’
While I traded insults with Wrath, uneven footsteps soon began to press into my ears. Tap, scrape, tap, scrape. The sound repeated: one step, then one foot dragging lightly.
Knock, knock.
“May I come in?”
The voice asking permission sounded familiar too… “I don’t mind.” Halfway through my answer, I realized who it was.
The hoarse voice and the footsteps limping on one leg. Both were traits of the Young Lord.
“…I didn’t expect you to come in person.”
I rose before the Young Lord, who had come alone without any attendants. He was not particularly short, yet because I was so tall, the gaze positioned below mine stared directly at me for a moment.
“You are not Pasha.”
Ah, had he thought Faust was the one who summoned him? At his murmur, I adjusted the hood pulled low over my head.
“Sorry to disappoint you. He is asleep.”
“…I see.”
In any case, I could not leave a guest standing for long, especially someone with an injured leg. I gestured to a chair for the Young Lord, then closed the door for him.
Click. There were no other presences beyond the closed door.
“I was told you had something to say to me.”
Someone of the Young Lord’s rank was speaking to me deferentially? His manner of speech puzzled me, but I did not bother raising the issue. Even if the body belonged to a child he knew, the distance could be considerable when the person inside was a stranger. It was too tiresome to think deeply about it.
“If there is anything I can do for you, I am willing to help with anything. That is what I came to tell you.”
“I see.”
But did this man always speak so drily?
“…Is there nothing with which I can help?”
“I cannot say there is nothing.”
His position might have changed, but he was far too different from my first impression of him. Wondering if he was simply that exhausted, I examined him with some discomfort. He did look tired, but that did not seem to explain the entirety of the change in his attitude. I still could not make sense of it.
“But it is all right. You should rest.”
“…It would be all right for me to help.”
Meanwhile, just as I observed him, he observed me. His eyes, appearing darker than his hair because they lay in shadow, narrowed.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because Pasha asked me.”
“…That child did?”
“Yes.”
How could that gaze be categorized? At the very least, no single word could define it.
“What exactly did he ask of you?”
“He asked me to support you for nine years. He also asked me to accommodate you wherever possible.”
“And you intend to honor that request?”
“Of course. The child asked me to.”
Rather than plunge a hand into the depths of his emotions, I quietly took half a step back. Whoosh. Yet even though I withdrew as far as I could, those dense emotions pursued me to the very end and faintly dampened the tips of my feet.
“…With no proof, it must be difficult to believe, yet you appear to trust the child’s words completely.”
“Proof is not the only basis for belief… and I am his Hyung.”
It was that kind of love. Before something I had lost, I quietly blinked. My chest hurt, and I felt jealous, but in the end, all I felt was relief.
“If I do not believe that child, then who will?”
After all, Faust had a place to which he could return as well.
“…That is a relief.”
I felt relieved from the bottom of my heart. It absolutely was not relief that the Young Lord believed me or that his belief had gained me a powerful supporter.
“It truly is a relief.”
If I had to describe it… this felt most like the relief of being freed from a responsibility. The sense of liberation that came from finally being able to send elsewhere a child who had been forcibly entrusted to me while I was struggling myself—from finding the child’s true guardian and returning him.
“…I do not understand what you find relieving.”
“I am relieved that you exist.”
“…That I do?”
“Yes.”
How refreshing it was to know someone else had appeared who could do things in my place, so I did not have to accomplish everything alone.
“I am not confident I can take responsibility for that child until the very end.”
With feelings both light and wistful, I laid down one of the burdens upon my heart. Faust remaining behind after I left had troubled me helplessly, but now I no longer had to worry. My heart opened all at once.
“No… To be precise, it would be closer to saying that I have neither the confidence nor the inclination. I have too many feelings accumulated toward that child to devote myself to him without reservation.”
“…I heard that the child dragged you into this.”
“Yes. Then there is no need for a lengthy explanation.”
That did not mean I intended to abandon the child at once. That would not be right.
Still… simply knowing there was an alternative gave me enough room to breathe. Feeling better than before, I leaned back against the sofa.
Read only on MUGEX
“I am sorry.”
“……?”
But the other man abruptly rose and dropped to his knees. My momentary happiness was immediately drenched in bewilderment.
“Why are you…?”
“Because I am that child’s family and guardian.”
But the Young Lord did not readily straighten his knees. Perhaps the excessive movement tore open his injury, because a small stain appeared on his trousers. It spread outward from within.
“Your wound—”
“I am sorry. I am truly sorry.”
I hurriedly stood and tried to pull him to his feet.
“I will repay that child’s wrongs however I can. Whatever you want, I will grant all of it so long as it lies within my power. So… please, give that child a chance.”
“…….”
What stopped me was the desperate sincerity of the words pouring out like rapid fire.
The hand I had extended faltered and hovered in midair while the Young Lord quickly forced out the rest.
“I will not even ask you to forgive him. Just please do not curse the child. You may rage at me and curse me instead, but please restrain yourself with him. I beg you.”
I glanced at his shoulders, hunched and made to look narrow because he was bracing a hand against the floor to keep from collapsing. For some reason, those shoulders felt unbearably heavy.
“I do not deny that the child did wrong. But he is a child who lost his family before his own eyes. Nor was he in a position where he could choose differently. So… please, if only in consideration of that, show him mercy. Please do not curse or rage at him. I will bear all the resentment you cannot release, so please.”
I missed my parents.
“…Get up.”
But the prayer I offered now had not been born from a desperate, anguished heart. There was undoubtedly yearning created by longing, but no pain that made it impossible to breathe without them. There was no desperate thirst that drove me to search for their embrace because I lacked the confidence to endure.
“If your wound worsens, Faust will be sad. Get up.”
“…You….”
Because now there was someone who said he was sorry, someone who told me I was allowed to be angry. There was someone asking me to write down every hurt I carried and give it to them.
“And… I have already decided to give that child a chance.”
Because the meal I ate here had truly been excellent.
“That is why I stand here now.”
I finally put proper strength into the hand hovering in the air and extended it. Making a mockery of all the time I had spent hesitating, the Young Lord was pulled upright at once.
“However, Young Lord. I intend to grant the child a chance, but there is no guarantee he will take it.”
Of course, the conversation did not end there. After seating the Young Lord in the chair, I leaned against the sofa again. “What do you mean…?” Understanding the implication of my words, the Young Lord’s eyes widened.
“The child seems to believe his own life has no value. I may have contributed to the birth of that belief, so perhaps I have no right to criticize him… but I thought you should know.”
Now that I had released some of my old emotions and regained a little composure, there were two things I realized upon looking back.
Over the last few days, there had undeniably been times when I blamed the child in particular. And there had unmistakably been parts of what I said that could cause a misunderstanding. Those were the two.
“…What am I… supposed to do?”
“I don’t know.”
In truth, the matter of why I blamed only the child was somewhat different. It was not that I grew angry because the child was an easy target. Rather, I did not even consider Wrath worth my anger, and so I had discarded that option to avoid wasting time. The fact that my anger would only benefit Wrath had also played a considerable role.
But from the child’s perspective, those complicated circumstances would have been more than enough to make him feel that he alone was being reproached. That part was unquestionably my fault.
“For now, I intend to keep telling the child to try living. The root cause of everything is ultimately the demon. Faust was simply caught up in its schemes and driven to sin. He is another victim too.”
At least that much had to be corrected. [Gretchen, you always blame only—] I crossed my arms, ignoring the fly buzzing in my ear.
“But I cannot be certain whether that will change the child’s heart. Therefore, you will have to take care of what comes after. Whether you make the child want to live or give him a reason he must not die… that is your responsibility.”
It would be best if I could change Faust’s mind, but there was no guarantee I could manage it. Besides, I intended to return after nine years. Faust’s heart might change once I was gone.
I made that clear to the Young Lord. He did not seem like a fool, so this much should be enough for him to understand.
“…Thank you for your advice.”
“It was something I ought to do.”
In any case, that brought the consultation with the guardian to its true end.
“So, is there truly nothing I can help with?”
I returned the subject of the conversation, which had somehow drifted into a consultation, to its original course. “Yes.” Unfortunately, the other man’s defenses remained impenetrable.
“I am not shameless enough to put you to work, and if Pasha learned of it, he would hate me. Why would I do such a thing? Stay here quietly.”
“But….”
“Most importantly, this crisis is this city’s affair. Now that every urgent matter is over, we have no intention of continuing to rely on an outsider’s help.”
Then are you going to turn away the reinforcements too? The thought arose, but I forced myself to swallow the quibble. I did not want to become someone who failed to understand what he meant.
“More importantly, what do you intend to do now?”
But when he asked me that, I was speechless for a moment. He was turning it back on me like this? He may not have known what he was doing, but it was a splendid attack.
“If you have not decided where to go, you may continue to stay in this city. This city’s Temple will not be hostile to you, and its people will welcome you.”
“…Do you even know who I am?”
“The person who saved the city, and the person to whom my younger brother owes a debt. Is there anything else?”
No, it sounds a little strange when you put it that way. Keeping my arms crossed, I raised one hand and rubbed the back of my neck.
“…I have a history of fleeing.”
“…May I hear the details?”
“Well….”
I briefly summarized and explained the Bemurchen incident. It was a story I should have told him long ago, but somehow, the telling had been delayed.
“So I cannot place myself under your protection lightly. I do not wish to cause trouble for you.”
No, before that, had the Young Lord still not heard about my history? The city’s people might not know, but plenty of outside personnel had arrived. Had no one really told him?
“Ah… That was you?”
But when my explanation ended, the other man responded indifferently, looking relieved instead. It was not the reaction I expected.
“If that is all, then it does not matter. This city’s Temple has already agreed to tolerate you. Or did the Archmage tell you nothing?”
“…I heard that the negotiations went well.”
“Then you have heard. That is enough. Now that the Temple here has made its decision, what anyone elsewhere says is none of our concern.”
No, um, isn’t that thought process a little too optimistic…? What will you do if other cities object…?
“You need not worry about anywhere else. This incident inflicted great damage, but Muenmunt remains a city with several knights and a battle line holding the foremost front. They would not dare pressure us.”
His next words severed my timid worries. It was somehow impressive. Was this what a ruler wielding power as they ought to looked like…? No, was he perhaps not an upright ruler, since he was risking the entire city for his younger brother’s sake?
“In any case, if that is the reason, then remain here with an easy heart. So long as I cooperate, there will be no obstacle to your living a peaceful life.”
“No, well….”
“Ah. Of course, with appearances to consider, I cannot guarantee that I will let you eat and idle for all nine years. But I can promise you this much: no matter which city you visit, none will treat you better than this one.”
Well, of course. The person most favorably disposed toward Faust was in charge here.
Feeling inexplicably awkward at the Young Lord’s guarantee, I tossed out a remark.
“Just in case, let me say this: I am not Faust.”
“I know.”
Fortunately, the other man was not unaware of that.
“But everything you see, feel, and experience will be passed on to that child exactly as it is, will it not?”
“That is….”
“It does not matter even if it is not. The simple fact that the body belongs to Pasha is enough to make me wish for your peace.”
He knew, but it did not matter regardless. At last deprived of everything I might say, I rolled my eyes.
“I….”
“I am not forcing you, so please do not feel too burdened. But if you have nowhere else to go, it would be wise to consider it.”
“…….”
“Then do not think of going anywhere. Rest comfortably here. I have a great deal of work, so I will take my leave.”
In the meantime, the person who had dropped that bomb upon me calmly rose and left the room. I felt both grateful and annoyed, and the conflicting emotions were exceedingly complicated.