Chapter 320: If Only I Could (6)
“He has not left the room yet.”
The Young Lord, currently serving as acting Lord, spoke without so much as looking at her. It was rude in its own way, but the Archmage did not mind. If one had to choose who was more at fault, it was she, who had arrived without an appointment.
“Is he sleeping?”
“I did not check. As you know, those with sensitive perception often awaken merely because an unfamiliar presence approaches.”
The Young Lord lightly explained that even checking might disturb his rest, so he had left only a note instead.
“I wrote that if he needs any convenience, he should ring the bell beside the bed… but I have yet to receive a report that it has sounded.”
“I see….”
The Archmage lowered her head regretfully. She was less disappointed that the time she had barely managed to free would go to waste and more saddened that what she needed to say to the Demon Knight would be delayed. Though neither was something she had any right to regret.
“But why are you looking for him?”
“…It is nothing important. I merely….”
Looking at the Young Lord, whose voice was hoarse and whose eyes were swollen from working through the night, the Archmage hesitated.
Would it be better to tell him now? Of course, the longer she waited, the more problematic the matter might become….
“…Several people held a secret meeting yesterday.”
It was too important to withhold from the master of the city, yet the other party looked too exhausted for her to speak freely.
Walking that precarious line, the Archmage expressed herself as gently and indirectly as possible. Not to protect those who had gathered, but because she hoped the Young Lord would suffer the smallest possible shock.
“Ah. Did they?”
But she had not expected such an indifferent response.
The Archmage hesitated slightly. Had the Young Lord predicted this would happen?
“You knew?”
“No. But I thought it would happen. The city is overflowing with people dissatisfied with me. Though this is somewhat earlier than expected.”
“What?”
“Am I wrong?”
…He had predicted it, but he had predicted something else. The Archmage’s voice softened at the cynical self-deprecation.
“Um… No. They had gathered because they were dissatisfied with how the Demon Knight was being treated.”
“…I am not certain I heard you correctly. Would you repeat that?”
The Young Lord’s tone abruptly sharpened. The boredom he had displayed moments earlier vanished without a trace.
The Archmage felt puzzled by the edge in his eyes. Why did he seem angry? That was the question.
“…That is what occurred.”
She could hardly refrain from reporting because of it, so she faithfully conveyed the summarized circumstances. The more she spoke, the more rigid the Young Lord’s expression became, only to loosen at the very end.
“Now I understand why you sought me as soon as you had time. Thank you.”
“It was only my duty.”
Reading his decision in his expression, the Archmage thought, Those who attended the meeting are going to be destroyed. She felt little sympathy.
“Then… was your wish to see him connected to that incident?”
“Would hearing even the informal decision not make his stay easier on his mind?”
Rather than remaining restless until a formal announcement, possessing even an informal outcome would bring peace to his mind and body. At least, that was the Archmage’s opinion.
“But the Young Lord is busy, and the others will find him uncomfortable. I thought it best for me, who already knows him, to deliver it.”
“Indeed. That is true.”
That too was merely the Archmage’s personal view, but the Young Lord accepted it easily. The mountain of reports piled before him probably contributed substantially to his agreement.
“…I wanted to tell him myself.”
The Young Lord looked slightly disappointed, then finally lowered his eyelids as though tired.
“…Enjoying a long rest is good, but skipping breakfast and lunch cannot be healthy, especially when every soldier is eating his fill. I will have the steward prepare a meal. You may speak with him in the meantime.”
“Thank you… Ah, um. Young Lord, I say this only in case, but he does not eat meat. So… may I ask that no meat be served with his meal?”
“Of course. Thank you for telling me in advance so we do not make a mistake. In return, I have one request as well. If he refuses to speak, would you refrain from forcing him and wait for another opportunity?”
“That is no matter for which you need to make a request. Naturally, I will do so.”
“Thank you for understanding.”
Still, instead of going to sleep, the Young Lord forced himself to continue working. It was conditional permission, but the condition was something the Archmage should naturally accept, and she did so easily.
“Is there something the Young Lord wishes me to tell him?”
In return, she offered a small consideration to the Young Lord, who seemed to share some bond with the Demon Knight.
“…There will be time enough to talk later. Tell him only to rest comfortably.”
After hesitating, the Young Lord finally declined. The Archmage did not ask again.
“Preparing lunch will take some time… What would you like to do?”
“…Could you first brew tea using these leaves?”
“It shall be done.”
Leaving the chaotic office, she called a servant. The instant she emerged, the people who had been waiting to report rushed inside, while the servant accepted the pouch of tea leaves and hurried away.
Only one attendant remained to guide her.
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“…I do not know whether this is right.”
Even as she followed the attendant, the Archmage remained endlessly submerged in worry. It could not be helped. Quite apart from overexerting herself because she wanted to speak as soon as possible, she could not be certain whether this choice was correct.
What if the Demon Knight was still asleep? And what if he did not want to meet her?
Before the Young Lord, she had confidently claimed that her familiarity made her the better choice, but the truth differed somewhat. Their last encounter had been almost the worst possible, and their relationship before it had hardly been normal.
Perhaps the bishop, who had never met him, would have been better than she was.
“Is it this floor?”
“Yes. He is staying in the room at the far end.”
“Then this is far enough. You may go. I can proceed alone.”
“Are you certain…?”
“I am. Go.”
Of course, judging by what the others had said, the Demon Knight probably did not feel outright hostility toward her. Considering his statement that he wanted to apologize, even his dislike had probably not reached its worst level. Had he truly loathed her, he would never have considered apologizing.
“…Hoo.”
But not hating someone did not mean one harbored no resentment. And the Archmage was someone who had given the Demon Knight many reasons for resentment.
First, she had failed to improve his situation despite bearing the title of Great Sage, making it almost absurd. She had failed to earn enough trust for him to seek her counsel. She had failed to support him to the end in his difficult circumstances. She had failed to stop the Inquisitor and allowed the two to clash. Though she could have gone to apologize, she had postponed it until now….
She had done too many things wrong even to list them. In the end, the Archmage stopped blankly before the door, unable to open it.
Did she possess the right to open this door? The experience she had accumulated throughout her life offered no answer even to that desperate question.
“…….”
Should she turn back even now? Staring at the silent hallway and closed door, she fidgeted with her fingers.
His complete lack of response to her arrival meant either that he was truly sleeping deeply or that he was silently expressing his desire not to face her. Surely returning was the right choice? The urge that grew stronger with every increase in the surrounding silence was deeply tempting as an excuse to justify herself.
Her foot lifted several times, only to return to the same spot.
“If you have business, come in. Stop walking back and forth.”
But every hypothesis collapsed before the words that finally reached her.
He knew I was here. The Archmage’s hands clasped unconsciously as though in prayer.
“…May I truly do so, Demon Knight?”
But if he knew and still had not responded until now, had it been a silent refusal after all? Had he called out only because she had remained oblivious and continued hesitating?
Anxiety accumulated layer after layer in the moment it took her to utter a sentence. The Archmage’s expression darkened.
“Yes.”
Her gloom deepened because there was nowhere left to retreat. After hesitating, the Archmage rested a hand on the doorknob.
“…I am coming in.”
She carefully opened the door. In the sunlit portion of the room, she saw the Demon Knight seated in a chair and bent forward. Like someone immersed in profound anguish, he rested his elbows on his knees and covered his face with his arms.
“If this is difficult, we can speak later.”
“Your time and mine are both valuable. If you have something to say, say it.”
Truly, coming later would have been the correct answer. The Archmage swallowed a groan at the pain of having made another mistake. The Demon Knight’s words meant she could not even withdraw, adding to her self-reproach.
“…Are you not hungry?”
I should simply tell him what the Temple and Magic Tower decided and leave. The Archmage resolved to do so, only for her mouth to act in the opposite manner. It made all the years she had lived seem meaningless.
“Not particularly.”
“I-is that so?”
She had believed that the half-ruined Inquisitor was the most difficult person in the world to face, but apparently that was not so. Correcting her narrow experience, the Archmage interlaced her fingers more tightly.
“…Even so, do not skip the meal. You need to eat to have strength, do you not?”
Why did nothing but pathetic remarks keep emerging from her mouth? She had to state her business and leave at once so the Demon Knight would not be uncomfortable, yet her mind refused to work.
“Naturally, I am not saying you must force yourself to eat. I mean that even a little would—”
Moving her mouth with her soul half blank, the Archmage felt her words tangle and lightly bit her tongue. Only then did she regain some clarity.
“I am sorry.”
This was not why she had come.
Her hands slowly separated. When she raised her gaze, she finally saw the Demon Knight straightening his back as well, a strange expression on his face.
“I truly… am sorry.”
“…Why are you apologizing?”
Ah. Did he not even expect an apology from her? The Archmage opened and closed her mouth at the sudden thought. 『I don’t even expect you to understand.』 Her old wound abruptly vomited blood.
“…Does even my apology offend you?”
“No. That is not what I mean. I simply… do not understand why you are apologizing.”
“Even after all the mistakes I have made toward you?”
“Who knows….”
Before an expression that had little resemblance to generosity, the Archmage clenched her fist by reflex.
“Were those not things that could not be helped?”
Those words had not arisen from tolerance.
If they had to be defined, they were the product of resignation, abandonment, and things of that sort.
“Be angry instead.”
The moment she realized it, the Archmage became unbearably sad. 『I only wanted you to support me….』 The person who would remain forever in the past overlapped with the young man before her, and her sorrow gathered into drops.
“Tell me how incompetent I was despite calling myself the Great Sage. Ask why I could not inspire even a shred of trust in you and forced you to flee. Be angry with me that way.”
Disappointment arose from expectation. Hatred and aversion emerged because one remained conscious of the other. Powerful resentment was sustained because one contemplated it in equal measure, and hatred was called hatred because it sank so deeply.
“…Please do not abandon everything by saying it could not be helped.”
That was what it came to. Even negative feelings could never arise without interest in the other person.
“Was your life not too difficult to end things that way?”
And so the most frightening thing could only be indifference.
“Was this world not too cruel for such detachment…?”
Yes. To resign oneself so completely that one could not extend either trust that said, They will do it for me, or even the expectation, Will they truly do it? The absence of thought created by learned surrender and repeated resignation….
『Where did we begin to go wrong?』
The moment one reached the end after cutting oneself away from everything could only be the most frightening of all.
Touching the most sorrowful memory of her life, she quietly lowered her eyelids. Drip. A clear dewdrop rolled from the hair before her eyes. It was a tear hidden from outward view by her white fur.
“…Why?”
But some tears were not hidden.
“Why would you say that?”
A raindrop shed beyond the heavens’ notice slid soundlessly down toward his chin. It did not even gather. It was so small and faint that only the light falling upon it barely revealed its presence.
“I do not resent any of you.”
“Demon Knight.”
“You merely fulfilled your missions, and the turmoil that arose in the process was inevitable.”
“Demon Knight….”
“Moreover, if I trace the beginning of the mistakes you made toward me, my own fault lies there.”
“…….”
“How, then, could I resent you?”
Ah. It was the smallest and the greatest sorrow in the world.