“Okay, big smiles~”
The shutter clicked.
Sitting by the pool with their arms around one another’s shoulders, TeSTAR smiled toward the camera.
Naturally, I was included.
“The photos are coming out great. Good work~”
“Thank you!”
Since we’d come all the way to America, we were filming a Summer Package while we were here.
You know, the kind where they bundle together a photo book and some simple reality-video content.
And for the video content, the production staff had assigned roommates under the request that they wanted to ‘film combinations you don’t usually see very often.’
Which meant Park Moondae and Ryu Chungwoo had been put in the same room.
Ah.
Speak of the devil.
“Moondae, towel.”
“…Yes.”
I snatched the towel and wiped my neck.
My stomach churned.
‘Haa.’
I was restraining myself as much as possible, but I had no idea whether the camera was catching it.
‘…Damn it.’
I know.
Ryu Chungwoo didn’t do anything wrong.
But fuck, what was I supposed to do when looking at him made me remember…… that?
Thanks to that, our roommate content had been completely devastated.
We barely even talked in the room.
This was my limit.
However it happened, I just hoped no discord rumors came out of it.
For now……
for now, once we went back to Korea and had some distance from each other, it would probably get better.
‘……I’m going insane.’
The moment they announced a break, I stood up.
It looked like they might make roommates ride some water slide together next, so I intended to stay away from him even if it was only for the break.
But then another tail followed me.
“U-Um….”
“What.”
“Th-This.”
Seon Ahyeon, who’d followed me, held out a takeout cup.
Steam rose from the drink inside.
Seeing that he had one in his own hand too, it looked like the staff had distributed them.
“…….”
I accepted the cup.
If I didn’t, he’d keep talking to me.
Even after giving me the drink, Seon Ahyeon didn’t leave.
He sat down at an ambiguous distance.
But instead of speaking, he simply sipped his own drink while sneaking glances at me.
It was quiet.
“…….”
The tension drained from my shoulders.
Still sitting roughly on the edge of a flower bed, I raised the hot drink to my mouth.
‘Hot chocolate.’
It was disgustingly sweet.
After riding some water slide that passed through a shark aquarium, we moved on to content where we all sat together and answered questions.
It was tolerable.
“All right~ Then I’ll draw a question!”
Big Sejin smiled and pulled a question from the container.
“Hmm, ‘The member you’ve gotten closest to recently.’ I probably won’t get many votes for this one. Me! Because I’m already close to everyone~”
Let’s get this over with quickly.
“I pick Lee Sejin.”
“Gasp! Moondae, have you been relying on me a lot lately? I’m so touched! Then I’ll pick Moondae too~”
Big Sejin instantly changed his stance and laughed as he patted my back.
“Okay, then what about Eugene?”
“Bae Sejin hyung! I like my roommate.”
We immediately moved on to the next person, so I probably wouldn’t have to say anything more.
I’d given an appropriately funny answer, so it shouldn’t look strange either.
“Hahaha, me again?”
The laughing chatter continued for quite a while.
Several questions passed…
and as we were nearing the end.
The final question came out.
“This is the last question card. ‘What is a difficult experience in your life that you managed to overcome?’ Hmm. I think it’s a question that could bring many different examples to mind.”
“…Ah~ Is that a little depressing for the last one? How about we give ourselves one chance to draw another?”
“…? I believe it’s meaningful and good!”
With Kim Raebin’s answer, the question began going around.
…Starting with Ryu Chungwoo.
“Hmm, something I overcame. Actually, when I stopped archery… it wasn’t by choice. Apparently, I got into a traffic accident during a family trip when I was young,”
Stop.
“The aftereffects from that were the reason.”
…No.
We’re filming.
Think about something else.
“But after meeting all of you and being able to debut and work like this, I can accept it now as simply a turning point in my life. Thanks, guys. Thank you, Loviewers!”
“Nice!”
“…Are you sure it’s okay to talk about something like that?”
“Haha, I think this might be my first time talking about this in front of a camera. Since the fans are going to see it, I thought I’d tell them once.”
“Ooh, Chungwoo hyung’s experience is way too powerful~ Let’s just concede defeat and draw a new question, okay? Eugene still has to draw one too!”
“I’ll draw!”
I think I’m going to throw up.
“…Park Moondae!”
“Wait. Bathroom.”
I got off the sofa and left the brightly lit room.
I ran through the dark connecting hallway and entered the bathroom.
“Haaagh.”
Fortunately, nothing came up my throat.
No, was that fortunate?
If I focused on the act of throwing up, maybe I could stop thinking about it……
“Shut up.”
I turned on the sink and shoved my head under the water.
The cold water felt good.
“…Moondae!”
“Moondae-ssi, are you okay?”
“Hyung!”
I could hear people calling from outside.
At least this was self-produced content.
If it had been a normal broadcast, there would’ve been no recovering from this.
‘I need to go out.’
But I couldn’t lift my head.
Just a little longer…
just a little more….
“Enough.”
I lifted my head from the water.
Then I roughly dried myself off and opened the bathroom door.
Several staff members and members were standing outside.
“…I’m sorry. My stomach just… feels bad.”
“No, it’s okay. Are you all right? Can you film right now?”
“……Yes.”
Big Sejin cut in.
“Park Moondae. They said it’s okay if we delay this part of the filming. If you need to rest for a while…….”
“It’ll be the same either way. Just do it.”
I shook off the remaining water and continued filming.
And this time, we finished without any major problems.
“See you again, Loviewers~”
But I’d realized something.
At this rate, I was seriously fucking screwed.
‘I need a countermeasure.’
That evening, after all the main filming had wrapped up.
Instead of returning to the room where Ryu Chungwoo would be, I went to the garden behind the hotel and organized the situation.
First, my condition was obviously PTSD.
There wasn’t even anything more to debate about that.
The problem was that I’d assumed it would settle down with time, but now that things had gotten this bad, I was starting to doubt how long that would actually take.
‘…There’s no answer.’
If my recovery took two or three months or longer, it could seriously interfere with TeSTAR’s future activities.
Then I’d have no choice but to hope that even if I died from the Status Abnormality, restarting really was possible.
‘…The bigger problem is that part of me thinks I’d be fine even if everything went to hell.’
Something was definitely wrong with my head.
I sighed.
Bzzzzzt-
At that moment, the smartphone in my pocket vibrated.
When I took it out and checked, an unexpected name was calling me.
[VTIC Cheongryeo sunbaenim]
It was Cheongryeo.
“……Haa.”
Normally, I’d just ignore it.
But right now, I should probably answer.
I couldn’t exactly avoid asking whether he’d ever received this fucking Status Abnormality reward before.
“…Hello.”
When I answered, a slightly puzzled voice responded.
-Hmm. I didn’t expect you to answer right away.
“Yes. I see. What do you want?”
-It’s been a while since I contacted you, don’t be like that… Have you been well?
“If you don’t have any business, I’ll start with mine.”
-Haha. All right.
“Have you ever seen something like a hallucination?”
-…A hallucination?
“While doing missions.”
-…….
There was silence on the other side for quite some time before he finally answered.
-Ah. Something went wrong.
“…!”
-Your results? The company? No, probably not either of those… Something less controllable. Then interpersonal relationships?
“…….”
-It’s interpersonal relationships.
What the hell was wrong with this bastard?
-You sound extremely stressed, but hmm…… you said I stress you out more when I talk, so giving advice feels awkward too.
Apparently, he thought I was seeing hallucinations because of stress.
Which meant, first of all, this bastard had never received the Status Abnormality reward.
Advice, huh.
“Go ahead.”
-Really?
Yeah.
Fine.
At this point, I didn’t think anything he said could make me feel much of anything.
Let’s hear him go on about restarting.
Then his calm voice came through the phone.
-There’s no need to be stressed.
“…….”
-Because if you go back to the beginning anyway, all the emotional energy you’re spending now becomes meaningless. Just… next time, leave it out. That’s how you should think about it.
“…….”
-Because it’ll disappear anyway.
…Disappear.
For the first time, I clearly considered that possibility.
Let’s say we really could go back.
Let’s assume that if I failed, I’d also return to Park Moondae’s twentieth birthday.
Then everything involving the twenty-two-year-old Park Moondae up until now would become something that never happened, and I’d build it all over again from the beginning.
Since I’d already done it once, it would definitely be easier.
If I brought even one winning lottery number back with me, I could live somewhere secure right from the beginning.
And I could do everything better from the start.
Because I already knew it all.
From the first filming of <Idol Inc.> to all the exhausting and embarrassing incidents that happened after debut, I could avoid them in advance and make sure the group was formed with better members……
‘No.’
…I didn’t want that.
It was ridiculous, but even if doing that let me overcome every Status Abnormality….
I didn’t think I’d like it more than what I had now.
Because somewhere along the way, I’d come to think of all that hardship and annoyance, everything I’d built together with these young brats…
as my achievement.
And even if I rebuilt it, it could never carry the same meaning as what existed now.
Of course, the current situation was pretty shitty.
But giving up the present over this wouldn’t be worth the trade.
My head cleared a little.
I opened my mouth.
“If it might disappear, I should try even harder to do it properly.”
-……That—
“Thank you for the advice, sunbaenim.”
-You’ll regret it.
“Well, probably. Who doesn’t regret things no matter what they do? I’ll hang up now.”
I ended the call.
Then I thought,
‘This bastard can actually be useful sometimes.’
Remarkably, the reason that had run away from home seemed to have returned after my conversation with Cheongryeo.
Then let’s objectively find the best option in the current situation.
First, if I showed no sign of recovering like this……
there was only one answer.
‘Suspend activities for health reasons.’
From experience, if I took medication and lived alone in seclusion for about a month, I’d probably improve somewhat.
That was better than discord rumors.
If the company refused, then…
I’d have no choice but to accept the discord rumors.
I’d roughly explain to the others that seeing Ryu Chungwoo’s face made me feel like I was going to become a psychopath, and they’d minimize the contact points between Park Moondae and Ryu Chungwoo as much as possible.
It would be uncomfortable for everyone, but if the company was the one forcing a guy who wanted to recuperate to keep working, I’d tell them to complain to the company.
Still, I wanted to minimize the damage as much as possible, so ideally the company would agree to the hiatus.
‘That’s about it.’
I left the garden and started heading back to my room.
Now that I’d calmed down a bit, I thought I could at least exchange greetings with him.
‘I just have to endure until this Summer Package filming ends.’
There was no other choice, and all that remained was to film the ending shot when we left tomorrow.
I only had to endure.
Read only on MUGEX
But when I opened the door and entered the room, an unimaginable sight awaited me.
“…You’re back?”
Ryu Chungwoo was sitting in a chair with enough liquor bottles spread across the table to practically overflow it.
“…….”
I slowly backed out of the room and began closing the door again…….
“They collected all the cameras. We can drink.”
“…….”
At that moment, I realized how desperately I’d wanted alcohol.
‘Damn it.’
I knew drinking in this situation couldn’t possibly lead to anything good.
But……
“Here.”
I reached out and took the bottle.
Then I opened it.
I put it straight to my mouth.
Only then did I realize my mouth was trembling badly.
My teeth clicked against the mouth of the bottle.
“…….”
I turned away and remained standing as I continued pouring the alcohol down my throat.
I couldn’t think of anything.
Then I heard his voice.
“You’re holding something back from me.”
“…….”
I heard carbonation hiss.
“You’re just holding it in because you’re afraid that if you explode after bottling it up, things will reach a point you can’t come back from. Right?”
Fuck, that’s the problem.
Even if I told you, you wouldn’t understand the situation.
This…
this wasn’t something anyone could possibly understand using common sense.
And this bastard hadn’t done anything wrong at all.
Judging by the fact that I hadn’t even known his name, we’d probably been distant relatives who barely knew each other’s faces.
The Pungsan Ryus apparently did a lot of things together, so we’d probably just ended up on the same trip by chance.
‘And since their kid was in such a serious accident, his parents wouldn’t have had any attention left for anything else. That’s why, even at the funeral, I didn’t see…….’
I put the bottle back to my mouth.
I couldn’t take it.
Fuck.
I picked up a new bottle.
That calm voice came again.
“…Fine. Then just tell me as much as you’re capable of saying. I swear I won’t tell anyone.”
“…….”
“I won’t say anything about the company or a hospital either.”
At that moment, something I’d never even considered saying burst out of my mouth.
“Because I’m jealous.”
“Hm?”
“I’m jealous of you.”
And as I said it, I realized it at the same time.
I had been jealous of this bastard.
I wished I’d gone on that trip that day like Ryu Chungwoo had and gotten hurt.
That my parents would’ve followed me into the ambulance and never gone to that fucking pension.
It wasn’t simply because seeing him reminded me of the accident.
This bastard irritated me.
Watching him talk about the greatest stroke of luck in his life as though it were a hardship twisted my guts.
“Your parents are alive, and you’ve gotten to live doing everything you wanted… I’m jealous.”
“…!”
I put down the empty bottle and breathed hard.
I’d just said something fucking insane……
but strangely, I felt relieved.
Ryu Chungwoo didn’t answer for a long time.
Then, after a while, he handed me another bottle.
“Did you remember it while you were sleeping back then?”
“What?”
“I heard from Raebin. He thought you were remembering something from the past while you slept.”
“…….”
“When I brought up the aftereffects from my traffic accident… I guess it must’ve sounded like someone complaining from a position of privilege.”
…It seemed he had misunderstood and thought ‘Park Moondae’s’ parents had died in a traffic accident.
Apparently, he thought it had felt like he was whining about the aftereffects of his own accident in front of someone whose family had died in one.
…It was similar.
“I’m sorry I said something like that.”
“It’s not something you need to apologize for.”
“Still, hearing an apology makes you feel a little better, doesn’t it? Look, we’re talking again for the first time in a while.”
“…….”
“Moondae. It’s okay to talk about things like this a little more… freely.”
Ryu Chungwoo opened another bottle.
“People, when they’re facing fear and pain… they get angry and blame other people sometimes. That’s okay too.”
“…….”
“I did that just from having to quit archery. I was probably an absolute nightmare.”
Ryu Chungwoo smiled faintly.
“But it looks like you can’t do that. It’s okay, so even if it’s late, do some of it now. How can anyone live rationally every single time?”
“…….”
I…
put the bottle down.
My hand trembled slightly.
“…I wanted to live without things being difficult.”
I’d thought I’d managed well enough.
Until I graduated high school, I’d gotten support here and there, and I was good with my hands, so I’d somehow managed to earn living expenses too.
I’d thought it hadn’t been the absolute worst.
But actually, I’d just endured it because there hadn’t been any other choice.
I must’ve really hated it.
“But I couldn’t live like that, and it fucking sucks.”
“……Yeah.”
“It’s just… exhausting.”
I opened another drink.
I’d assumed I’d obviously feel uncomfortable after saying things like this.
But surprisingly, I felt fine.
Maybe it was because of the alcohol…
but anyway, right now, that was how I felt.
I slowly wet my throat.
I wasn’t completely sure because I was drunk, but I think after that I kept throwing out disconnected words and sentences without much context.
Ryu Chungwoo didn’t particularly interrupt, but occasionally he responded.
Then, only at the very end, he spoke.
“I said I wouldn’t bring up hospitals… but still, once we get back to Korea, I think it’d be better if you got counseling. Together with Ahyeon.”
“…….”
“I’m not saying that because you look mentally ill. I’m saying it because you look like you’re struggling.”
“Okay.”
“You’ve made a lot of money. Spend some of it on yourself.”
“Okay.”
I swallowed some alcohol.
“But it’s still hard to look at you.”
For a moment, Ryu Chungwoo looked completely dumbfounded.
Then, for the first time, he laughed out loud.
“Haha. Let’s take it slowly. It’s not like we’re only going to see each other for another month or two. There’s nothing wrong with keeping some distance and giving it time.”
“……Yeah.”
He was right.
“But Moondae. Use honorifics. You suddenly started talking casually to me?”
“……!”
I’d completely…
forgotten.
At his request, I restored my polite speech and kept drinking.
The subject of the conversation drifted a little, and we didn’t sit facing each other, but it wasn’t particularly uncomfortable.
I found out the next day that all those bottles had been room service and had cost an insane amount of money.
I didn’t particularly regret the expense.
And after we returned to Korea, fortunately, a new schedule was waiting for me that would let me spend time alone between group schedules.
It was a solo appearance that had been postponed because of the trip to America.